I wish that I could say that every one who writes to me about their divorce is absolutely sure that they are doing the right thing and has no regrets whatsoever, but this just isn’t the case.  I’m sure that there are many people who fall into this category, but my readers aren’t among them.  The people who write to me aren’t sure that going through the divorce is the right thing to do, suspect that they may later come to regret it, but fear that it’s too late to change things. 

There are many reasons for this, but common comments that I hear are things like: “I think I still love my spouse and I’m afraid that going through with the divorce is a mistake,” or “the divorce just took on a life of it’s own until I agreed to it. But now I regret it and realize that I want to stay married.  What should I do?”  I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Identify The Source Of Your Doubt Concerning The Divorce: Many people are told by friends or assume things like: “anytime that you make a life change like a divorce, you’re bound to have doubts,” or “it’s just fear of the unknown or a fear of being alone that you’re worried about, but over time, you’ll get used to this and move on.”  I don’t agree with these phrases or assumptions.  In fact, I know many folks who looked forward to their divorce because they knew that it was the only healthy solution.  In a divorce that is the right call, often both people are at peace with the decision because they know definitely in their hearts that it is not only the right one, it is the only one.

This is because they know that they’ve explored every avenue, have spoken honestly, have approached the situation with openness and honesty, and have still come up short.  They are deeply in touch with their feelings and although they may still have affection or even love for their spouse, they know that it’s not the same type of affection that two people who are married should feel.  It’s more like a deep respect and friendship that will remain because they ended things the right way – where both people could walk away feeling confident rather than feeling confused.

If you’re experiencing any nagging doubts, be honest with yourself about why they’re occurring.  Is it because you’ve left things left unsaid? Or because you got caught up in the “one up” in this process and let things spiral out of control?  Is it because you’re beginning to feel feelings of affection and love that you thought were long dead and find this confusing? Or maybe it’s because (and this is very common) that you’re finding that once the threat of actually losing your spouse is on the table, you find that this is your worst case scenario because you suddenly realize that you still very much want this person in your life.

What To Do If You Decide You No Longer Want The Divorce:  Many people will just want to tell their spouse that they were totally wrong and they want to reconsider and this can be the right call if it’s obvious that your spouse feels the same way or has said these words before. But, if the waters are murky, you may have to move more slowly than this. You may want to just ease into situations that the two of you can interact in a positive way and then go from there.

Obviously, in order for this to happen, you’ll need for your spouse to be receptive to you, and this is not always the case presently.  You may need to sit your spouse down and explain that no matter what happens in the end, you’d still like to improve your relationship.   You want to be able to be proud of your conduct and you suspect that there were things that you could have handled better.  You want to go forward in a positive and productive manner and for your part, you are going to act in a way that makes this possible.

You’ll need to be intuitive as to how far you can go with this.  Sometimes, your spouse will be receptive from the get go and sometimes they won’t.  There will be times when you will have to move at a snail’s pace and this frustrates a lot of my readers.  However, it’s better to move slowly and make gradual progress than to move too quickly than to lose them altogether.  It’s highly likely that the marriage didn’t fall apart over night, so it’s equally unlikely that it can’t be rebuilt over night.

Am I A Flake Or Indecisive Because I Have Doubts About The Divorce?:  This is very surprising and upsetting to me, but I find it so common that people will have doubts but won’t act on them or say anything because they are afraid of being perceived as indecisive or flaky.  Forgive me if this sound direct, but isn’t it better to potentially remain married and be temporarily perceived as indecisive, then to be perceived as decisive but to be divorced and to deeply regret it later?

Getting a divorce is a very serious and sometimes permanent decision. It greatly affects your children, yourself and your spouse.  Making a mistake here is probably one of the most grave that you will ever make in your life.  Sometimes, divorce is the answer.  If the relationship is abusive or can’t be rehabilitated, then I agree that you should move forward.  But this often isn’t the case.  And, if you’ve found this article, it’s very likely that you did so because your doubted this decision enough to conduct further research.  That alone tells me that you probably have a lot more soul searching to do.

I had grave doubts about going forward with the divorce, but I didn’t speak up in the right way. I used negative tactics rather than positive ones. This did a lot of damage and I had a lot of catching up to do, but luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love so that we were BOTH happy. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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About the Author:
Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.
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